Comments on Alan's story

I would like to ask you several questions regarding to your story, Alan.
Does Snowy have a unique talent of finding things? I wonder how he knows that the gold coins are in the supermarket. What is the relationship between Tintin and mysterious man? Why does Tintin take on the task and what reward he gets after fulfilling his mission? Your depictions of Tintin’s journey are explicit. In addition, you introduce a lot of places where I have never been in Hong Kong Island. I consider the display of the Hong Kong’s note and train tickets may give the initial idea of HK to the readers who never travel there.

Opinions on Edmond's story

Your story is quite interesting to me, Edmond. I am not familiar with the Japanese cartoons, so could you tell me what the Ninja is? Which cartoon you get the idea from? I realize that the concept of Naruto’s wizard trial comes from the western thrilling movie ‘1408’. It describes a man who encounters a sequence of supernatural things in the hotel room ‘1408’ and how he escapes from such nightmare. Apart from that, I also perceive that you turn the well-known hero ‘Batman’ into an antagonistic role in the story.

I would like to give some advice on your story. It is just my personal opinions; I hope you will not be offended by them. Firstly, Kakashi sensei and Naruto function as heroes in your story, don’t they? I have read several western heroic mythic stories; all the heroes are honest and honourable. Regarding to these points, Kakashi sensei should not have depicted as dishonest person. This would affect his heroic image. ‘"Um, it's way too expensive Naruto, just buy some fake diamond for the villagers in $2 shop is fine" ’. Besides, you should have looked through your work carefully before posting it here. Although I am not very good at English grammar, I find a lot of grammatical errors in your story. At last, I think Batman should have given some ordeals to the heroes before being conquered by them.

Characters introduction

Uzumaki Naruto

He's a boy who was born in Konohagakure. His parents were died by doing missions after he was born. He was trained up by his tutor Kakashi and he aims to be the best ninja in the world. There is a nine-tail fox lives inside him.






Hatake Kakashi

He's the famous ninja around Konohagakure. He has the SHARINGA which only the Uchiha clan has. Most of the people respect him in the village. His parents were dead by doing mission too. Therefore he understands and always comforts Naruto. Trys to train him to a good ninja.







Batman


Batman is famous of robbing at night in the Gotham City. No one knows his really identity. He uses the most advanced technology to complete his criminal mission. Alfred is his servant and supports him at the back, such as giving information and do the research before Batman acts.








Monkey.D.Kuffy

Monkey.D.Luffy and his gangs are sailors around the Pacific. However, their another secret identities are pirates. They often take orders to be a transportation for ninjas. The reason they become pirates is not for money or woman. They just want to be free in the ocean. Therefore, they're not real pirates.

Fighting dreamers

Hey guys, here is my final product! Hope you enjoy it!

When the sun rises, birds sing beautifully which call the naturals up. Naruto opens his eyes, he looks on his left hand side, where his teacher - Kakashi normally sleeps next to him. However, he finds that he disappears.
He gets up and has a stretch, looks around and sees all the gears are still inside his tent. After he dresses up, he hears a big bomb sound outside.

"Hey Naruto, we're heading to a place where is called Gotham soon. I got some fresh fruits and meat to prepare for this journey. Come and give me a hand!"
"Wait Kakashi sensei, where is Gotham? Why do we go there? How are we going to there?"
"You will know after you get there Naruto, pack up and I have booked the ship to there at 12pm. We only have 3 hours left to arrive at the harbor. Come on! You will experience a lot of new things during this journey, it's worth."










They leaves the camp site at 11pm, on the way to harbor, Naruto keeps asking what his training will be next. Because he wants to get stronger as soon as possible to be the strongest Ninja in the world. Naruto's parents died when he was born. His parents were famous Ninja and people respect them as a hero. Nine years ago, Naruto's father was Kakashi's tutor. During the second world ninja war. He sacrificed himself to save the village to interchange the peace. Before he was killed, he told Kakashi to look after his son, Naruto, and trained him as a good Ninja in he future. Therefore, Kakashi put all painstaking care into his hero's son.

When they see the ship, the bow of the ship is a bear head. A big skeleton head with a cross on the black canvas.

"Welcome to Golden Murri! It's the best ship in the world! You're so lucky to travel on it! Wahahahahaha!"
"Welcome! I'm sorry he's out stupid captain Luffy. Hi two lovely ninja, my name is Nami. The navigator on this ship. I know Mr Kakashi has already booked to go to Gotham City. The trip will last around 2 days from here. Hope you enjoy your trip! We have also got a doctor, cook, and entertainer. So if you need any helps just tell one of us!"



"Kakashi sensei, they're so pro! but I want to ask, are they pirates? Look at their canvas." Naruto whispers to Kakashi.
"Um, I'm not sure Naruto. But I think we can handle them if they really try to rob us. Don't worry, don't you believe in your strength?" Kakashi smiles to Naruto.

At the first night, Captain Luffy holds a welcome party for Kakashi and Naruto. They share their dream with each other.
"Hi guys! My name is Naruto! I want to be the best Ninja in the world! And my first target is beat up Kakashi sensei!"
"Hey Naruto! I'm Luffy! I have the same dream as you! I want to be the best Captain in the world. Although we pretend we are privates, we are not! We pretend we're privates after we nearly got vanished by a bloody animal in Gotham! His name is Batman! We found out we're too kind to people so we needed to pretend to be a bad guy!"
"Who is the Batman?" Naruto asks.
"Batman was once a superheros in Gotham. He usually comes out at night, just like a bat. And his gears are really designed like a bat. Therefore, people call him the Batman." Kakashi bends his head down and looks anxious.
"Kakashi sensei, how come you know so many information about that man?"
"Because he's famous, Naruto! You should read more newspaper rather than only train up your body!"
"Understand! Kakashi sensei!"
"By the way, how come your team would get vanished by Batman?" Kakashi asked Luffy.
"Well, one year ago, we traveled to Gotham city and wanted to fulfill our supplies for the next travel. However, Batman pretended he was a baggar and begged us to help him. So we took him to our ship. At night he turned into Batman and robbed our food and gold when we were sleeping. I was waken by the noise he made. We couldn't beat him as he had too many crazy weapons. He even destroyed our ship without any reasons! He must be jealous that we owned a big ship!" Luffy yelled.

On the second day afternoon, they arrive at Gotham's harbor.



"Hey Kakashi and Naruto! Good luck on Gotham! Remember to watch out the bastard!" Luffy and Nami remind.
"Thanks guys, we'll beat him when we meet him! Trust us!" Naruto says with graping his fist hardly.
"Alright let's go Naruto!" Kakashi says.

Naruto and Luffy hug each other. Naruto is very happy to meet a new friend who can admit his dreams. In his village, everyone tease at him when he tells his dream, only Kakashi appreciates this young kid has potentials and patience to fulfill his dream. Therefore, he wants to train up Naruto to help him.

"Kakashi sensei, what's our training here?"
"Um, I have thought one last night. Let's beat up Batman!"
"Oh! Are you sure!? Are we able to do that?"
"I'm not sure, but we can have a bet!" Kakashi stares at Naruto.

They walk around and find a hotel to stay for a week. Kakashi asks the counter for a room for 2 people.
"You're so lucky sir, there is one room left. Here is your key. The room is 1408. Enjoy your night."
Kakashi takes over the key and goes to the room with Naruto. After they unpack all the stuffs, they leave the hotel and find something to eat. They go into a cafe, sit down and order some sandwiches.



"Hey Alfred, I think I'll visit the jewel shop tonight. Prepare the gears for me later." A big man says.
"Sure my master, good luck tonight." Alfred replies.



"Hey Kakashi sensei, I want to visit the jewel shop as well. I want to see big diamonds!" Naruto yells on the street, Kakashi feels so embarrassed.
"Kakashi sensei, do you reckon if I buy one diamond for a souvenir?"
"Um, it's way too expensive Naruto, just buy some fake diamond for the villagers in $2 shop is fine."

They walk around, take photos, enjoying the fantastic time in Gotham. Naruto seems have already forgotten what is the purpose he comes to the city. Naruto discovers many new things that he has never seen in his village. He's so attracted by the luxury materials.

When they go back to the hotel, they observe there is something weird about the room 1408. The radio is turned on automatically; the clown in the picture moves; the liquid drops from the water tap is grape juice and the windows have disappeared.

"Kakashi sensei! Are we being attacked by magic skill!?" Naruto quickly gears up himself, prepare the attack from anywhere. He looks around, a chair is thrown towards him and he blocks it down. The water tap shoots on him and he dodges. The clown in the picture throws 3 knives behind him and Naruto dodges as fast as he can. But his right arm still get hurts by that. After those attack, he realize Kakashi is not with him. So he starts to clam down and close his eyes.

"Kai!" Naruto says it in his heart.
"Good job Naruto, you have passed the sudden magic skill test." Kakashi says.
"Phew, you have frightened me man, I was still in the shopping mood!"
"If you want to be the best ninja, you need to aware everything in anytime! Understand!?"
"Yes sensei!"



At mid night



"Bebubebuebu" Many police cars drive pass the hotel. It seems something happen.
"Wake up Naruto, your real task has come." Kakashi shakes Naruto head.
"Actually I didn't sleep at all, I have been waiting for this moment for a long time, sensei."
"Let's go then!" Kakashi and Naruto follows the police cars by running on the roof of all the buildings.

They chase and see the jewel shop where they visited in this afternoon is robbed. They see a sign on the wall which is a bat. Kakashi knows that robber must be Batman.

"Come with me Naruto, I know where he's."
"Where will he be sensei? How will you track him down?"
"Don't you forget what is my best magic skill? Hehehe."
"Oh yea! Calling the dogs from your recipe magic skill!"
"Ok...come on dogs! Smell the bat sign then track the ass down."

Batman is driving with his invisible car on the street.



That is his newest technology on earth. He suppose no one can arrest him and even find him. He drives to an old, huge building where locate in the country side of Gotham City.

"Hehehe, I reckon it's my best storage, how can a normal people imagine a rubbish building is a treasure building. And I have set the alarm on the top of the street, so when anyone step inside this are Alfred will know."

Bibibibibibibi

"Sir, someone has come inside your area." Alfred calls Batman.
"What the hell, how can it be!? Who are they?"
"Um, I don't know who they are, they run as fast as a deer."
"Shit! Give me their location."
"Sir, they're on East 167, I think they'll arrive at your place in 5 mins."
"Ok, I'll get ready to scatter those little beans. Prepare a hot bath for me Alfred, thank you."
"Sure sir."

Naruto and Kakashi have arrived at the old building. Kakashi collects his dog back in case their fierce bark will show their position. The dark, wierd environment gives them a heavy atmosphere. Dusts are all over the ground, spider webs are all stucked in every corner.

"Welcome strangers, I'm very happy to see people can chase behind me to here. Alright, tell me how can you do it." Batman speaks in the dark. Naruto and Kakashi see nothing.
"Come on Batman, I'm sure you cannot walk out this building tonight." Naruto replies.
"Oh what an arrogant kid, of course I do not walk out, I drive out, hahahaha." Batman teases.

"Kakebunshinotsutsu!"



Naruto uses his favorite skill to look for Batman. This skill can create many clones, so Naruto can look for Batman as fast as he can.

"Um, this kid seems to have some decent magic skills, damn it! He is going to see me soon." Batman is worrying about his hiding location.
Batman suddenly feels that someone is behind him.
"I find him sensei! He's on the second floor by the window." Naruto and Kakashi quickly rush there.
Of course, Batman won't do anything to stop them. He quickly fire them with two magnums. Naruto and Kakashi dodge the bullets.

"What the hell are those guys!?" Batman drops the guns immediately. Pick up two knives from his bag. He is going to fight by using his own hands.

"Naruto, beawear of the knives, don't get hurt! We should win by fighting."

"Hehe, easy guys." When the three guys get closer and closer. Batman turns the back of the knives towards Naruto and Kakashi.
"Laters, it's not a knife. It's a lazer gun!" Batman shoots. Naruto and Kakashi do not expect it. They have no where to hide and it's impossible to block the attack.

"Wahahahahaha, go back to your village ass, big city is not suitable for little mice to play." Batman laughs loudly.
"Do you really think that, huh?" Naurto is prepareing his skill "Rasenkan" behind Batman.
"What the...how could you don't get hurt!? You and your friend were obviously got attacked!" Batman starts to lose his mind.
"Don't you forget I made a lot of clones before? I hide three of them on top of the celling. Kakashi sensei and one of my clone is just a lure. It seems CITY MAN IS NOT THAT CLEVER. LITTLE BAT."
"Good job Naruto, it's just the ruse of inflicting an injury on myself to win the confidence of the enemy. It works!" Kakashi gives Naruto a thumb.
"Bullets can't get through my iron mail, what can you do!?" Batman points and yells at Naruto.
"Shut up and goodbye."



Naruto finally gives a shit to Batman, the power of Rasenkan is out of Batman's expectation. Batman was thrown out to serveral miles.
"You did it Naruto!" Kakashi put his hand on top of Naruto's head. "And your next task is to kill me!
"Are you seriously...sensei?"
"Nah, I'm just joking, it's time to go back home now."

Addition to FanFic

Addition to the story: Exploring the land of nature. The Magic Faraway Tree story

The children and the treefolk that is Silky, Moonface and Saucepan Man looked around in wonder at the land of nature. As they stood on the path that connected the lakes and forest, some of the folk of the land of nature scurried past them. There were pixie's riding cute bunny rabbits that had fluffy tails, fairie's riding on ducks across the water on the lake, and elves busily watering the pretty flowers that were growing everywhere. "Hey, watch out!" said Bessie as an elf splashed water he was carrying in a watering can on her foot. "Let's have an adventure", said Tim and the other children nodded their heads and said "let's".
They walked along the trail, which wove its way around forests of beech trees, and beautiful vistas looking out to the sea and lakes. Saucepan Man's pots and kettles were clanging away as he walked. They stopped to hear some birds singing a tune in the trees. Moonface asked everyone if they would like a pop biscuit or google bun and the children said yes, so Jo unpacked his backpack and handed the group a pop biscuit each, and then gave everyone a cup and Fanny poured lemonade into the cups for everyone. Then after resting, the group got up and continued on their walk. They walked a little further and then Moonface said "be quiet" to Saucepan Man. Above the bird song, Moonface could hear the sound of the sea.
"We must be near the sea", cried the children. And sure enough when the group looked down the hill they were able to see sand dunes, and a golden sand beach filled with the most amazing things, like canoes, paddler boats and a cafe that always had food no matter how much food you wanted to eat. They raced down the hill, Moonface taking Silky's hand, and the Saucepan Man galloping along. When they got to the beach, they were greeted by blonde haired mermaids that offered them some sunblock and hats. "For me" said Silky. "Oh what lovely girls you are". One mermaid gave Saucepan Man a large colourful towel because he was a bit shy of taking his saucepan's off in front of the group. The group read the sign that was on the beach. "Welcome to Paradise Beach" it read. "Enjoy your stay". With that the children including cousin Tim took their t shirts off and waded knee deep in the warm waters of Paradise Beach. They laughed out loud as they saw Saucepan Man, Silky and Moonface lying under a sun umbrella, each on their own deck chair's. Just then there was a sound calling. "Ice's, who wants ice's!" rang out. It was the icecream man! The children rushed out of the water. Moonface, who was surprised at the noise, fell out of his deckchair.

Last of story coming soon.

Week 11

Feedback for Kiniko

Hi Kiniko,

Good summary of the story. There is good background information on the character's. It gives good detail to what happens in the Blue Lotus to people who have not read the story before.